Still eating for England…

I’m not seeing my Dr until Thursday, so I’m hanging in here a bit trying not to binge eat.  It’s got so bad that I don’t even know when I’m hungry – all I know is that I eat.  Especially sweet stuff.  And I get into this spiral of hating myself then I eat some more and hate myself… blah blah blah.

Admitting it to my GP scares me.  It goes on my records, for a start.  Along with my depression and all the associated stuff.  And I am scared that she will judge me, as if anyone could judge me more harshly than I do myself!  There’s a voice in my head telling me I’m greedy and disgusting, and it’s not an eating disorder, I’m just a vile pig.  And so on.  And it’s been there for years.

And I have to ask for help, which I find hard.  How do I explain in the allotted 5 minutes that I am out of control?  That it’s no longer about the weight, I don’t care what I fucking look like, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin?  I want to feel safe around food, not want to eat everything that passes in front of my face.  That joke about ‘I’m on a sea food diet – I see food and I eat it’ hasn’t been funny for a long time, because that’s what my life is like.

Popping my blog cherry

This is the first day of the rest of my life – or so I keep telling myself.  I’ve spent a long time hanging around FA blogs and decided that I’d have a go.  So here I am.  Hello world!

My name is Curvygirl, I’m in my thirties and I live in England.  I am a fat acceptance advocate and I struggle with an eating disorder.  Which I’m going to talk with my doctor about this week.  Scary effing stuff.

I’ve spent over twenty years either eating till my stomach hurts, or dieting to stop me feeling so gross.  And I can’t do it any more.  It doesn’t work – I can eat till I ache but the emotions don’t leave, they just hang around like a bad smell (or an achey stomach ;P).

Feel free to leave any comments.  I will delete comments I don’t like – my blog, my rules. 

Cx